Remy's Valentine
by ElvenMuggle
Summary: It's hard enough to tell the one you love how you feel, but it's harder to do so when your loved one shoots you for it. Remy Lebeau would know.
1. Remy's Butt Wound

**Disclaimer and all that good crap: I do not own the X-men and unfortunately am not making any money from this.**

**A/N: Just so ya know, this is indeed a crack fic. Pun definitely intended.**

**Chapter 1: Remy's Butt Wound**

Laying face-down on the dusty attic floor, Remy thought: Blinding pain. That was the first thing he registered. A white-hot poker had just stabbed his body and dug in. It demanded every bit of his attention at once. If a parade of dancing gorillas had gone by him at that moment, he wouldn't have noticed. Somewhere close to him, Rogue was hovering, panicky and tense, her hands making wild gestures as she kept saying something.

Someone behind them was screaming. It sounded a lot like Amara, who screamed and screamed and screamed and then took a breath and started screaming again. Next to her Kurt was saying something, but he couldn't hear for all the screaming, and before he could ask what he had said he heard a bamf and Kurt was gone.

A girly, yet shaky voice said, "Like, stop screaming already," then a slapping noise reached his ears and the screaming stopped.

Now he could hear what Rogue was saying. And also what Bobby was saying. And what Tabitha and Jean and John were saying. He stared, trying to remember why John was even here as he caught just snatches of what everyone was saying-

Rogue looked like she was almost in tears. "I'm sorry-"

"We'll get you some help." Jean said calmly.

"-And in the butt, too!" John looked like he was enjoying himself.

"I can ice it-" Bobby offered.

"-in the butt!" Tabitha said, her lips twitching with amusement.

Surely he had heard that wrong. Remy closed his eyes and tried to drown them out, but found that this only put more of his attention on his throbbing wound. He grimaced and tried to think of something else to get his mind off of it.

It wasn't like he had thought about it a lot, but getting shot was not like he had ever imagined how it would be. People got shot from standing in the bank when suddenly it was getting robbed, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time during a police chase, or in war or being an X-man on a dangerous mission. Never in a million years had he thought that he would get shot by Rogue. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Two seconds after he professed his love for her.

A lot of miserable things had happened to him in his lifetime, but this just topped the cake. The only woman he had ever loved shot him. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Two seconds after he professed his love for her. Not only was this painful emotionally and physically, but it was also quite embarrassing. All he wanted now was to know why. Why had she shot him? What had possessed her to do such a thing?

He cracked his eyes open and found everyone still hovering over him and talking all at once-

Tears were leaking out of Rogue's eyes now. "I didn't-"

"-care for gun-shot victims-" Jean was going on matter-of-factly.

"-and then it blew up-" John was telling Tabitha.

"-in the butt…" Kitty said, wide-eyed as she stared at him.

He had to find out why this had happened. Remy turned slightly towards Rogue and opened his mouth-

Bamf.

Kurt was back and had brought Ororo with him. She snapped at everyone; they all backed off at once and she took the opportunity to kneel down next to him.

"We've called an ambulance, Remy. You're going to be fine." She said calmly. "Jean, can you get him downstairs carefully?"

"Is it ok to move him?" Jean asked.

"It will be fine," Ororo nodded. "Just be careful. Remy," she turned her gaze down to him. "How does it feel? Can you feel your legs?"

How did it feel? Remy couldn't help but feel immensely annoyed at this question. He knew Ororo only meant well, but really? How does it feel?

"Well Ororo," he ground out through his teeth, "It sort of feels like I just got shot in the ass."

"And your legs? Can you feel them?" She asked, unperturbed by his tone.

"Yes. They're fine. It's my ass that's on fire." He snapped. Somewhere close by he could have sworn he heard John snickering.

"Ok, we're going to move you downstairs now; the ambulance is on its way..."

Her voice faded as his mind drifted. He was so…confused. Rogue had shot him. In the butt. On Valentines Day. Just a moment after he had said that he loved her. For the first time ever. It was the first time he had ever said it to her, let alone say it to anyone at all. And she had shot him for it. WHY? Of all the reactions and scenarios he had gone over in his head, he had never thought that she would attack him so violently.

Obviously, she had tried to kill him and missed. But why would she want to kill him? And why was her aim so bad? And if she had wanted to kill him, why had she done it today of all days? Remy didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but he knew one thing for certain. His feelings were hurt.

…As was his butt.

His butt was one thing. The damage to his perfectly shaped buttocks that he had worked tirelessly to gain was nothing to scoff at. It was his butt. He wouldn't be sitting down for months. But his feelings were something else entirely. He had kept his heart so closely guarded for so long…and just when he decided to share a little with someone else…what was he thinking? He didn't have any bits of heart left to share. Rogue unknowingly owned the whole thing.

And now she had shot a bullet straight through his butt and shattered his heart.

Never let it be said that Remy Lebeau was not a tad dramatic. But it was nothing compared to Rogue, Remy thought viciously, who shot the men who loved her.

He barely noticed that Jean had levitated him down to the foyer. She carefully set him face-down on the floor again. He turned his head and pressed his cheek against the cool hardwood, barely registering the sound of wheels rolling in his direction.

"Ororo, what is your assessment?" Charles' calm voice spoke from somewhere to Remy's left.

"Well I'm not a professional, Charles, so I can't say." Ororo responded. "But he can feel his legs so that's a good sign."

"Professor, I didn't mean to!" Rogue suddenly cut in. "It was an accident! I just-"

She suddenly quieted and Remy did not look to see if he was right, but he imagined that the Professor had held up a hand to silence her. "Now is not the time for explanations. We must focus all of our attention on Remy's wound. I don't intend to panic anyone, but his life may hang in the balance-"

"More like my ass," Remy muttered.

"-and we must put forth every effort into helping him at his time of need." Charles went on. "Kurt. Go get a towel; we need to put pressure on the wound."

Bamf.

"Jean, why don't you take Amara upstairs to lie down? She's looking a bit pale."

"Yes Professor," Jean murmured.

Bamf. "Here's the towel, Professor." Kurt said as he returned.

"Good." Charles said approvingly. "Go put pressure on the wound."

A moment of silence passed as Remy kept his eyes shut tight and tried to pretend that he was lying on a sunny beach in the Caribbean, thousands of miles from Rogue and the rest of these people. Then- "EW! Professor!" Kurt yelled. "I'm not touching his BUTT!"

"Kurt!" Rogue sounded exasperated. "Fine, give it to me and I'll-"

"No!" Remy hollered as his eyes flung open. "You stay away!"

"But-"

"Exactly." Remy said flatly. "You don't touch it."

"But Remy!"

"No."

"I didn't mean-"

"I said no."

"It was an accident!"

Remy scoffed. "A likely story. But I mean it, Rogue! Don't touch my butt, you've done enough damage."

Silence followed before Rogue finally answered in a tiny voice. "Ok…I'll just go wait outside for the ambulance."

"Wow, that was like, so mean!" Kitty told him once Rogue had left.

"WHAT!" Remy gaped up at her from the floor. "MY BUTT IS IN RIBBONS!"

Despite the—er—seriousness of the situation, Kitty giggled but quickly turned it into a cough at the look she received from her Professor. "Oh come on," she said airily, waving a hand as though he was being silly. "It's not in ribbons…it's just…got one more hole than it should."

From the corner, John snorted loudly before collapsing on the floor in fits of laughter.

"I HATE YOU JOHN!" Remy roared, silently swearing vengeance on everyone for this. There was going to be hell to pay for this one. There was going to be a lot of whoopee cushions thrown under a lot of butts, there would be a lot of chairs suddenly pulled out of under a lot of butts, and there would be lots and lots of…um…pranks that had something to do with their behinds. Because if they were going to be such a pain in his derriere at such a time, then he would see to it that the favor was returned ten-fold.

Ten minutes later, John was still laughing, two paramedics were inspecting Remy's behind with utmost seriousness, and Rogue was smoking a cigarette to calm her nerves. Then she remembered that she shouldn't smoke, and promptly tossed it away, straight into a shrub. Needless to say, the shrub caught fire and nearly set the mansion on fire before John arrived to put it out. Rogue nearly cried again.

But that's not important—what was important was that Remy was in the ambulance, being carted away and drowning in his butt sorrows.

"So how did this happen?" The bald paramedic asked him.

Remy was still asking himself that question. Why would Rogue shoot him? All he had said was, "Anna, I love you." And she had replied by coming at him like a crazed lunatic! Remy groaned sadly into the stretcher he had been placed on. That was the only response he was going to give for now. He didn't want to think about what had happened. Though forgetting about it was slightly difficult…since his butt was on FIRE.

Another ten minutes later and Remy was being wheeled into the emergency room. The doctor came over and promptly dropped his clipboard straight onto Remy's rump.

Ten minutes after that, after Remy was finished calling the doctor every name he could think of, he moaned again, but this time because said doctor had stuck a needle in his arm and injected some great pain medication…

A while later, the bullet had been removed, Remy's buttcheek stitched up, and he was allowed one visitor. Professor X came in and naturally, everyone else snuck in too.

Being laid out face-down on a hospital bed while his butt was propped up on display (covered, but displayed nonetheless) did nothing to make him appear menacing. Even so, he sent the strongest glare he could in Rogue's direction when she came in, looking like a sad puppy.

"What are you doin' here?" he glared.

"Remy-" she tried in an apologetic tone of voice but he was having none of it. He interrupted before she could continue.

"No." he said firmly. "Remy don't wanna hear your apologies. There ain't no point in hearing what you got to say."

"On the contrary, Remy," Professor X spoke, his hands already folded in their customary fashion, fingertip to fingertip. "This was a shooting. Rest assured, the authorities will become involved. It is standard procedure for the law to look into every shooting. Going by what I'm hearing from Rogue, this was an accident. You seem to disagree. I think, perhaps, it would be wise to hear what you all have to say so that maybe we could get the story straight."

The last thing Remy wanted was to hear this story told over and over again, but to hear everyone's warped versions of it sounded even more horrible. He would rather get shot again.

But Kitty seemed to disagree. "Oo! Oo! Like, me first!"

"Why do you go first?" Rogue asked in annoyance. "Did you even see it happen?"

"Oh don't be jealous because I get to go first," Kitty replied flippantly. "Like, ok everybody, this is like, how it went…"


	2. Kitty Pryde Love Expert!

**A/N: Sometimes I wonder if I'm completely retarded…After reading this you might wonder it too.**

**Chapter 2: Kitty Pryde Love Expert!**

Ok, so like, I'm starting my story from the beginning of time: When Remy met Rogue. Alright, so it's more like the third time they met but so what? I mean, do I reeeally need to go into that whole totally creepish Remy abducts Rogue and takes her down to New Orleans story? No. I don't. So I'm starting exactly six months ago.

It was like, a totally normal day. We had trained super hard all morning because Mister Logan was trying to teach us some new technique that I don't even remember the name of anymore. Anyway, we finished training and then showered before going down to lunch. I was wearing this totally hot outfit. It was like, a thousand degrees outside that day and I had on this pink tank top and—oh never mind; it's not that important.

Wait…what am I saying? Fashion is always important! Which is why it is VITAL to mention Rogue was wearing that same old crap she usually wears. I mean, when is the last time she bought a new pair of jeans? Those were so old and they weren't even by a brand that I recognized!

Anyway. We were going downstairs when fate happened. We heard a rumbling in the distance and I looked out the window when I saw him. Remy Lebeau was coming up the driveway on a motorcycle. He had on this pair of designer sunglasses (notice the importance) and he wasn't wearing his duster, the affect being that you could see his bronzed, muscled arms.

He was so. Hot.

But for like, some weird reason Rogue wasn't happy to see him.

"Wow," I sighed as we observed Remy climbing off of his motorcycle and look up at the mansion, "he's a total babe."

Rogue grunted like a cave man. She does that a lot. "I like, can't stand that swamp rat!" She yelled like a crazed baboon. She does that a lot too.

We went on down to the foyer and for some reason Professor X was already there to greet Remy. Kurt was there too but I don't remember what he was doing. Being blue or something like that. As we approached, the professor introduced us.

"Kids," he said in his super intelligent voice. "This is like, Gambit. You like, remember him, right?"

"Yeah," Rogue grunted again. "I remember when he sprayed poison gas in my face and like, drug me across the country."

Remy…I remember his face in that moment clearly. It was the most evident thing in world to me; it was crystal clear. He like, had this serious thing for Rogue. The man looked like he had been shot by cupid himself. He wore this ultra sappy look on his face whenever he looked at her that just SCREAMED 'I love you!'

They don't call me Kitty Pryde, Love Expert for nothing!

Ok, so no one calls me that. So what?

"Rogue," Remy said in a voice laced with so much love that it could have given the sappy look on his face a run for its money. "It's like, good to see you."

"Like, RAAAH!" Rogue screamed like a crazed baboon again.

And that is how Remy and Rogue met for the third time. And I swear on like, YOUR life that I didn't alter that in any way.

It was clear to me from this meeting that Remy loved Rogue and Rogue obviously wanted a piece of Remy. So naturally I thought it was my responsibility to see that they ended up together.

Over the course of six months I have witnessed many things. Some of these things are disturbing, some of these things are important. A LOT of these things are like, totally note-worthy.

For instance.

Remy Lebeau is nothing but a love struck puppy. All he wants is Rogue, and Rogue's love in return. Not that this is immediately seen by everyone. Oh no, this is something I see and take note of because I'm me: Kitty Pryde, Love Expert.

But like I was saying before I interrupted myself: Remy Lebeau has clearly, CLEARLY been shot in the butt by cupid himself. He's just a poor, desperate man that is suffering from unrequited love and some bad stomach cramps because I don't know if he's realized it yet, but Remy is lactose intolerant.

Rogue, on the other hand, is like, a total meanie! Remy loves the crap out of her and Rogue is all, "No swamp rat, you can't sleep in my bed," and "No, Kitty, I ain't gonna call you a love expert!", and "Swamp rat, get that pickle out of my face RIGHT NOW!"

I'll leave that last one up to your imagination. The story is so long…but that was a weird day.

While Remy was in a love daze, Rogue was also in a love daze. Except when Rogue is in a love daze, she's more angry about it. She tries to pretend that she's like, not in love, but my trained expert eye knew better. Through all the yelling and all the abuse that Remy endured from Rogue, I could see that all our Roguey wanted a slice of Cajun booty.

I'm just an expert that way.

Plus, I know all of this because everyone comes to me for advice. Yes, me.

"Kitty! Tell me what I like, need to do to like, get Rogue!" Remy would come running to me, tears streaming down his face as he cried onto my shoulder. The poor man was so heart strung it was painful to watch.

"Remy," I would say in a deeply intelligent voice; the voice of a love expert. "Follow your heart. It will probably tell you the right thing. And like, if that doesn't work, just get a boom box, play some sappy love song, and stand outside her bedroom window…"

In reply to this, Remy would always look at me and say sincerely, "Kitty Pryde, YOU are a love expert!"

And I was. I really was.

This went on for like, months. Remy grew more desperate and Rogue grunted a lot and at one point she scratched her armpit. It was true love. I knew it, Remy knew it, and I KNOW Rogue knew it, even though she will try to deny it.

Rogue loved Remy.

At least, that was what I thought…until that fateful day.

Or this fateful day if we're going to get technical.

It's Valentine's day. The day of LOVE! And really pretty colors! I love Valentine's day. It's only like, the best holiday. But when I woke up this morning, I had no way of knowing what a bloody day it would be.

Ok, so the day started out like this.

I woke up, put on some colors that were appropriate for the day, and happily went downstairs. And then Miss Ororo attacked me.

"Kitty," she said as she stopped me on the stairs, "we're going to like, clean out the attic today for some reason, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!"

And then she left, leaving me to wonder why they had waited for the day of love to clean out a dusty, old, boring attic. I mean, I could be meddling in Remy and Rogue's lives right now, trying to throw them together! I could be cupid Kitty or you know, Kitty Pryde, Love Expert. But NO, I had to go clean out an attic. What did everyone have against love, anyway?

Ok, so like, a lot, and I mean a LOT of weird crap happened the next few hours that I don't really feel like going into. Johnny the Pyro somehow ended up at the house. Kurt kept talking and then looking at me like I was supposed to be answering him. I don't know why he thought I was listening, I was busy watching Remy and Rogue like a hawk—I mean like a Love Expert. Remy and Rogue were fighting, then joking around, then fighting, then hugging, then Rogue was shoving him…

Tabitha kept staring at Kurt for some reason and was trying to hide it, Amara looked pissed off that she was going through dusty boxes and kept sneezing, Jean and Scott were doing God knows what behind that stack of boxes, and Miss Ororo was ordering us around.

Then Professor X came up and started pulling out this old boring stuff and talking about it.

"This is like, a boring picture of me and some guy when the institute was built a bajillion years ago." Professor X kept saying things like this in reminiscence.

The day like, dragged by. Kurt kept talking to me and I kept pretending to listen to him. Pyro kept messing with this lighter, opening and closing it over and over again. Open close, open close, open close. Finally when the clicking was making my brain itch I sent him an irritated look but he just like, grinned and then did it faster.

Rogue kept tripping, knocking things over, and running into everything. I didn't have to think twice about why she was doing it. The reason was CLEAR. Rogue was clumsy. Clumsy in LOVE! Being near Remy for so long was just too much for her poor heart to take. It was like, totally cute.

Amara kept grumbling over in the corner, Miss Ororo was looking really annoyed with us all, and Tabitha continued on staring Kurt down for some reason. I was about to go and ask her about it when Jean, Scott, and Professor X came back with lunch for us all.

"All right everyone," Professor X smiled around at us all once we were gathered on the floor with our lunch. "While you eat, I'm going to like, tell you this really long and really boring story."

You might find this shocking, but I didn't listen to a word the Professor said. I couldn't tell you that story if my life depended on it. But I could tell you that Remy kept sneaking these little glances at Rogue, Rogue kept pretending that she didn't like these little glances, and my burrito was really good.

Finally Professor X said, "And that's the end of my really freaking long and boring story." And we all had to get back to work.

Miss Ororo and Professor X went downstairs and everyone else went back to whatever they were doing before. I grabbed a broom and pretended to sweep while I really kept an eye on Remy and Rogue as they went through an ancient looking box together.

"Kitty, you're throwing dust everywhere." Kurt said from behind me. I turned to see him waving at the dust floating in front of his face. Suddenly he froze and his eyes widened.

"What?" I asked suspiciously, wondering why he was looking at me like that.

"You looked at me! You're actually looking at me!"

"So?" I don't know when Kurt became so weird. No, really, I don't. I've been too busy spying on Remy and Rogue to notice.

"You've been ignoring me all day." He pointed out in this totally whiny voice as if he thought that cupid Kitty could actually take the time off on Valentines Day to listen to him. Seriously, what was he thinking? Didn't he realize like, how super busy I was?

I was about to tell him this when I noticed Tabitha behind him watching him again. "Tabby, why have you been staring at him all day?" I finally asked, actually curious about the answer.

A strange look overcame Tabitha's features. It's hard to explain...but unless my eyesight was like, deceiving me, it could almost be described as a hungry expression. But just as soon as it had appeared, it was gone and Tabitha was looking at me innocently.

"No reason." She said with a pair of wide eyes. She shot Kurt a pointed look—I looked to Kurt only to find him looking confused—and then she walked off, moving over to stand next to Pyro and Bobby.

"What was that about?" I asked Kurt but he only shrugged.

He stared over my shoulder as he avoided Tabitha's gaze that was on him once again. "I have no idea why she keeps—"

BANG!

And that is when it happened. If it hadn't been for Kurt I might have seen it. Unfortunately, I didn't; not that I really wanted to. But what I did see was this:

In alarm, I turned and my eyes sought out Remy and Rogue. They were exactly where I had seen them last, over in the corner next to the really old looking box but now they were no longer two happy lovebirds in lala land.

Remy was on his knees, his behind bloody and his hands raised towards the heavens as he yelled dramatically, "Rogue, my love! Why have you like, forsaken me?"

Rogue stood in front him, looking uber scary, but with a satisfied little smirk on her face. She didn't reply to Remy's heartbroken cry, but she did lift the pistol to her mouth and coolly blew the smoke away from the chamber.

And well, that's like, all I saw…

…

The silence in the hospital room was stunned as Kitty's tale came to an end. Not because everyone knew that they had heard the truth and were stunned to hear that Rogue could be so cruel. No, it was more because they were all so stunned to hear the most ridiculously stupid story ever to fall on their ears. Half of them were wondering if Kitty really thought this way and if she actually thought they all said the word 'like' as much as she did.

The other half automatically knew that they had just wasted a good fifteen minutes listening to all of that.

"That sounds about right to me." Remy finally said.

"WHAT!" Rogue cried incredulously. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard! None of that happened that way!"

"Hey!" Kitty actually sounded offended by this. "I might have changed some of the words that some of you guys said, but I got most of it right!"

"Well," Remy said, "I really don't remember crying on your shoulder."

Professor X's expression was half amused and half stressed. "I apologize if I bore you so much, Kitty." His lip quirked upward. "I assure you it's not intentional."

Kitty blushed pink. "I'm sorry, Professor."

"That's quite alright."

"It's not alright!" Scott stepped forward. "Our team mate's backside has been wounded!"

John and Tabitha immediately busted into a fit of giggles, but Scott continued on, more serious than he had ever been in his LIFE.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, Remy." Scott patted Remy on the shoulder. "It's sad. Just when life is going good, it comes up behind you—" John and Tabitha's laughing grew louder, "-and takes you by surprise."

"Thanks." Remy grumbled, glaring over in John's direction.

"Scott," Professor X rolled forward. "Why don't you enlighten us with your tale? What did you see?"

"Uh-" Scott's eyes met Jean's and both of their faces turned red before they quickly looked their separate ways. "Sorry, Professor." Scott apologized quietly. "I didn't see."

"Oh." Professor X turned pink before he quickly looked to the next person he saw. "Bobby? Why don't enlighten us with your story? And please," he shot a look at Kitty. "Do try to be honest…"

Bobby stepped forward and grinned at that moment. There was a sinking feeling in Rogue's stomach as she saw the look in his eyes. She couldn't help but think that she saw some kind of deep seeded evil in there…


	3. Bobby Drake aka The Sexy Beast

**Chapter 3: Bobby Drake aka The Sexy Beast**

Today I have some important news for you. You probably already know this but in order for me to really get my point across in this story I have to say it to you once. I, Bobby Drake, Iceman, X-man am very, very, VERY, sexy.

I know. You're thinking: Well duh, I already know that.

I know you do. You know it, I know it, all the ladies here at the institute know it, and pretty much everyone I walk by knows it. It's no big secret. That would be impossible to keep a secret. Really, it's great. I've had a few girlfriends, the girl at the ice cream parlor down the road gives me free sundaes, all the girls want me, and well, pretty much my point is that life is great because of it.

But then, it's also a curse. As Remy LeBeau found out today.

Now you're wondering what this might have to do with Remy but don't worry, I'll get to that.

First I need to tell you something that is very honest, and very true. I wouldn't make up crap just to make up crap or to make Rogue glare at me like's she doing right now. I am being one thousand percent truthful here so don't go thinking otherwise.

Alright, here it is. The fact of the matter is, when I said before that all the girls want me, I meant it. Kitty wants me. Amara wants me. Tabitha wants me. Jubilee and Jean want me, and most shocking (but not shocking) of all, Rogue wants me. And therein lies the problem.

Now, while I'm a sexy beast and am great with the ladies, the other guys in the house…Mm, not so much. I mean, Remy tries to act all cool and stuff but that dudes got it bad for Rogue and every time he's around her he says some of the lamest stuff. Well, most of the time it's in French and I don't know what he's saying but Rogue must because she always turns really red and then starts hitting him.

The man has no class. No class.

I say this, even though Remy is my friend now. After you get over that whole thing where he was on Magneto's side and he tried to kill us on multiple occasions, the dude is actually pretty cool when you get to know him. Even though I do suspect that he's just a little jealous of my skill with the ladies.

While Remy is cool in his own way, he's still a little clueless when it comes to Rogue. He's all: "Bobby, mon ami, if you were a girl, how would you feel if I did this?" Which is a pretty weird question because I'm not a girl and I don't think like one. And if I did think like one, I would be attracted to myself and THAT would just be weird.

But enough about my ridiculously good looks. I'm here to tell a story and unlike Kitty, I won't go on and on about things we all know are complete nonsense. I'll get right to the point.

This morning was very, very normal. We jumped through hoops of fire, dodged the attacks of a killer robot, and combined all the forces of our mutant powers to take down said robot. It was a typical danger room exercise on a typical day. Afterwards we ate a small snack and every girl was covertly checking me out. Except for one. I was curious so I went to see what was up.

"Sup?" I slid into a chair next to Tabitha. As I did so, her gaze moved quickly from Kurt to settle on me. Interesting.

"Nothing." She said quickly before her gaze flickered to Kurt and then back to me. I'm guessing it was because she couldn't stand not looking at me. Isn't that what you were thinking? Yeah, I thought so.

Tabitha was acting weird, and I mean weirder than normal. I know this wasn't much but my curiosity was peaked. That's kind of what happens when one has no life.

"What's up with you and Kurt?" I asked. "Why do you keep staring at him?"

As if he could hear me, (though he couldn't because he was clear across the crowded and noisy kitchen) Kurt's worried eyes cast Tabitha a sideways glance before he focused his attention on Kitty again, who didn't look like she was listening to a word he was saying.

Tabitha didn't answer me. She had seen Kurt's look and her face broke out in this really creepy grin and she proceeded to stare at him and ignore me.

Whatever. I had better things to do. Like getting away from Tabitha's creepiness.

I left the kitchen. It was as I was walking down the hall that I heard Remy and Rogue's voices up ahead, coming from the half open door of the dining room. They weren't exactly speaking in hushed tones but it was obvious that they were trying to have a private conversation. So I did what anyone who had nothing better to do would do. I crept up to the door and peaked in.

And what I saw was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life.

Remy. On all fours. Dressed in a very provocative cowboy costume. And Rogue, who was wearing some kind of dominatrix outfit and sitting on Remy's back and screaming YEEHAW!

Ok. That didn't really happen. But that would have been weird, right?

Anyway. What I really saw was this. Remy was standing there (not in a cowboy costume) and looking at Rogue who was also standing there (not dressed as a dominatrix) and looking at Remy. Pretty boring, huh? See why I tried to spice it up? But as boring as they seemed to be at that moment, something in the tone of their voices and the expressions they both wore told that they were having a serious conversation. I don't really remember it, because I was trying to back up and leave at that moment, but I thought I heard something like this.

"Blah, blah, blah," Rogue said in her ridiculously overdone accent. "Blah, blah, Bobby is so HOT!"

Remy nodded. "Blah, blah, Mon ami, something else French, blah blah."

I turned to leave. And that's when the herd of geese came trampling through.

I'm not kidding this time.

A freaking herd of geese came down our hallway. There must have been about ten of them, waddling like a little army over the Professor's velvet rug. Everything was fine until one of them looked over and saw one of the others and for no reason at all started hissing at him. That little guy hissed back…and the results were catastrophic. It was like UFC but for geese. Feathers were flying, beaks were snapping and I was pressed to the wall, trying to avoid the mosh pit of birds. Remy and Rogue had run out of the dining room and were watching this with matching incredulous looks on their faces. Someone was screaming but I don't know who.

Just when I could swear one of the geese was trying to do the piledriver on one of the other geese, the kitchen door busted open and Kurt came running down the hall, screeching, "My babies!"

I find it very strange that Kitty never mentioned any of this in her story.

Kurt didn't stop to talk and explain any of this. Instead he set to teleporting in and out of the hall, each time bringing a geese to who knows where and then returning for a another until finally they were all gone.

Everyone else had come out to see what all the commotion was about, but when I turned around, Remy and Rogue had disappeared. Having nothing better to do, I left the hall and headed for my room. And then Miss Ororo attacked me and forced me into helping clean out the attic.

I never got an answer from Kurt about what the whole thing with the geese was about. I never found out what was so important that Remy and Rogue were talking about. I don't know why Tabitha kept staring at Kurt. I have no idea how Johnny the Pyro ended up at the house and interacting with us as though we had always been best friends. And even if my life depended on it, I couldn't tell you what the story the Professor told us was about. I was too busy wondering about those geese and noticing every little meaningful look all the girls were giving me.

Alright, let's just cut to the chase here. I didn't see Rogue shooting Remy. I know that now you're probably wondering why I didn't just say that in the first place…and now that I mention it I'm kind of wondering the same thing….

Um. Anyway. I didn't see it. I had just picked up a really dusty box from a shelf when I heard the shot. I turned a split second too late to see Rogue standing over Remy and…you won't believe this…I'm even wondering if I saw it right. But...Rogue's eyes shifted in that one tense moment up to mine and wearing a little smirk on her lips, she winked. At me. Bobby Drake.

That's right. This is my suspicion. Rogue shot Remy in order to get him out of the way so that she could be with me. Bobby Drake. The sexy beast of the X-men.

…

"WHAT!" Rogue screeched.

"Rogue," Professor X spoke calmingly, "We're not supposed to be in here; it would be wise to keep your voice down."

"But this is RIDICULOUS!" Rogue continued to argue, though in a lower tone now. "Kitty is a love expert and Bobby is sexy? Are both of you on CRACK?"

Kitty glared.

Bobby grinned. "Oh come on, Kitty's was so stupid that I had to think of something to match up."

"Wait," Scott spoke up. "So you weren't serious about any of that? You only said all that to make yourself seem crazier that Kitty?"

As his hands clenched into fists in front of him, a psychotically determined expression came over the Ice-man's face. "I will not be outdone!"

Oddly enough, Professor X had nothing to say about any of this. He seemed content with this answer. Instead of wondering about it any longer, he turned to Tabitha and Amara. "Girls," he asked in a decidedly less patient voice than he had used half an hour ago. "Why don't you both tell us what you saw? Amara, you first…"


	4. Boom Boom's Stalker Issues

**Chapter 4: Boom Boom's Stalker Issues**

**Amara**

Ok, so before I begin my story, I'm just going to mention how really annoying this all is. I mean, it's not like I wanted to wake up today, clean out an attic, witness a shooting, and then have to tell all about it.

The story is so long and so stupid that I don't even feel like going into it completely. So I won't. I'll get straight the stupid point. The day was nice and boring and Professor X told some story I didn't listen to. I didn't see Rogue shoot Remy so I don't know why she did it. What I saw was this:

Nothing. I just heard it. The shot was loud, it was just another irritating thing to add to the already crappy day. When I turned around, Rogue was freaking out, which was annoying, and Remy was screaming in pain which was really, REALLY annoying. And well…blood kind of creeps me out like, a LOT so I might have started screaming and then annoying myself. Kitty came up and slapped me—how nice of her. That wasn't annoying at all.

And well, that's what I saw.

…

"Amara…" Rogue tiredly rubbed her eyes. "That was NO help at all."

Amara grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, 'Boyfriend killer' before huffing and crossing her arms.

Rogue looked like she was ready to hit her when Professor X rolled between them and said calmly, "Tabitha?"

Tabitha quickly averted her gaze away from the corner Kurt was standing in. "Yeah?"

"Your story. Tell us." The Professor's worried gaze slid to Rogue. "Quickly, please."

"Sure." The blonde girl's eyes moved back to Kurt (who was starting to look worried now). "What can I say? The day started out normally enough…"

…

And when I say normal, I mean that Kurt was going about his normal daily routine. If you're wondering what that is, it's something like this: Every morning at seven thirty Kurt wakes up. I say this because I can hear his alarm going off. After that he stumbles into the bathroom across the hall, (still half asleep) and gets dressed. I know that's what he's doing because I can hear clothes ruffling when I press my ear to the door. When he comes out of there, he goes down to the kitchen to eat. Every morning I'll go down too and watch him eat. It's fascinating, really. Kurt has a different way that he eats everything.

When he eat eggs, he holds his fork upside down. When he eats poptarts he nibbles on them like a little squirrel. When he eats cereal he slurps and when he drinks orange juice he always gulps it down in one go.

When Kurt is finished eating we all go down together to the danger room and go through a three hour long training session with Wolverine and Kurt teleports all around the danger room like the cute little elf that he is.

When we're finished with training, we all take a shower. In separate showers of course. That is the one thing we don't do as a team, though I have no doubt that if someone told Scott that it might be a great opportunity for team-bonding he might want to try it out.

I wouldn't mind.

Not as long as Kurt was there.

While Kurt showers, I stand outside the door and listen to the water going down the drain.

This might seem weird to you. In fact, all of this might sound weird to you. But it's not. I don't do it because I'm obsessed with Kurt or anything. Because I'm NOT. And don't try to think that I am because I'm NOT! I just have a fascination with listening at doors and watching people eat.

That's ALL it is.

Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Kurt's daily schedule.

When we're finished showering, we all go off and do our separate things. This morning, we all went down to have a snack. Kurt ate an orange. I watched Kurt eat. Until…

"Sup?"

I glanced over to find Bobby sliding into the chair in front of me. Great. Someone to distract me from my hobby. Don't get me wrong; Bobby's alright. His sanity isn't quite as unhinged as I usually like in guys, but then again, neither is Kurt's. But that's nothing I can't fix.

"Nothing." I answer Bobby and glance back over at Kurt to make sure he isn't going anywhere.

"What's up with you and Kurt?" Bobby asked. "Why do you keep staring at him?"

Almost as if he had heard Bobby speak his name Kurt's gaze darted over and found mine before he looked away again. Perfect. I feel myself grin. Mission destroy Kurt's sanity is going smoothly.

After a few minutes of this, Kurt gets this cute little scrunched up angry look on his face and suddenly turns and marches over to me.

"Tabitha." He snaps. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." I say sweetly. Which between you and me is really a telltale sign that I'm up to nothing good.

And I think Kurt knows it.

"You've been watching me for days!"

Actually it's been months but I didn't think there was any point in correcting him. "Have I?" I ask as though I really don't know. "I didn't even notice." I smile again; this time just to annoy him.

"You're creeping me out." Kurt says flatly. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

I could almost hear his teeth grinding together. I relish in the sound. "Stop watching me every second of the day. You're acting like a stalker!"

He's got no idea. But I thought I would humor him anyway. "Ok." I agreed. "I won't."

Won't stop staring at him, that is.

But Kurt was satisfied with this answer that makes no sense. "Good." He nodded. "I'll be—" he stopped mid sentence because suddenly there's a lot of noise coming from the hall. He turns and runs out and I hear him scream something about his babies. I knew it must have been his geese but I have no idea how they ended up in the hall.

Yeah, Kurt has geese. Their parents were hit by a car last year and he brought them home and took care of them himself. For some reason he's never told anyone this. Definitely not me. I only know because I've hidden up a tree with a pair of binoculars and watched him every time he goes out to feed them.

Anyway, after Kurt ran off with his birds, Miss Ororo came into the kitchen a few minutes later to hijack our day and forced us all to come up to the attic and help clean it out. I didn't really mind because I figured that maybe I could find some old pictures up there of Kurt to add to my collection.

Not that I have a creepy obsession with Kurt. Because I don't. Let's not forget that.

As we were going up the stairs (each of us grumbling quietly while Ororo glared at us) Rogue, who for some reason had been unusually clumsy all morning, tripped and nearly knocked Kurt down. In turn, I nearly killed her.

But I decided not to. Why? I don't know why. I could not explain my reasoning to you.

Wait, now I remember. It was because Kurt bent forward and the back of his shirt rose up about an inch or so, exposing an inch of blue back fur.

Yep.

We went upstairs and set to work. All of that other crap that everyone said happened, happened. I won't go into all of that again; I think we've pretty much got the gist of what was happening. Sorry Professor, I didn't listen to your story. I was busy trying to stare into Kurt's soul.

After lunch, I went to speak to Kitty. And 'speak' might be somewhat of an understatement.

"Kitty, why are you staring Remy and Rogue down?" I actually took my eyes off of Kurt to ask this. It had been bugging me all day. I mean, she was acting like an obsessive, creepy…love expert.

"Ahuh," Kitty nodded and continued to watch Remy and Rogue across the room. "That's cool."

"What's cool?"

"Like, yeah, totally." Kitty obviously wasn't listening.

It pissed me off so I farted on her and ran away.

She didn't notice…at first. Trust me, I ate some pintos last night at dinner and I put a whole new stank on 'silent but deadly'.

While Kitty was gagging, I went over to see what Pyro and Bobby were talking about.

We argued over movies for a while before I got bored and started staring at Kurt again. And then Kitty actually tried to talk to me.

"Tabby, why have you been staring at him all day?" She asked.

"No reason." I answered innocently. Because that's me. Innocent. Completely innocent.

Just to freak them out, I went back to where Pyro and Bobby stood and started staring at Kurt again.

And that's when it happened.

The shot—it was weird. It sounded exactly like you would imagine a gunshot should sound like. Which might not be weird at all now that I think about it. I can't say that I saw Rogue blowing the smoke from the gun or winking at Bobby. But I did see two noteworthy things. One, Kurt had been staring right at them when it happened. And two, it was freaking HILARIOUS!

When it happened, of course I looked. Remy was standing there, hands on his ass, eyes wide, and his mouth in a perfect O shape. I really wish I had taken a picture. And then, as if that wasn't hilarious enough, he started screaming bloody murder and fell on his face.

I laughed so hard I cried. It's really been a great day if you ask me.

…

The hospital room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Everyone was looking at Tabitha with the same look; a mix of confusion and disbelief. Except for Remy. He just looked mad.

"I hate you all." He announced to the quiet room.

But no one responded. No one even looked his way. They were all in shock from being exposed to Tabitha's depravity.

Kurt was just scared.

"I get it," Bobby spoke with a hopeful voice. "You're trying to do what I did, right? You're trying to outdo Kitty."

Tabitha just stared. For a full minute. Then slowly, she nodded.

"Of course." She answered in a completely unconvincing tone. "That is exactly what I was doing."

"Well it's not funny, Tabitha!" Kurt said shrilly. "That freaked me out!"

Tabitha just stared.

"Stop it!" Kurt yelled again.

"Yes, please," Rogue moaned into her hands. "This is so stupid—we're wasting time here."

"Hey, look at the upside, Rogue," Scott said consolingly, "at least we're all spending some time together. Think about it; when was the last time we all got together to just talk?"

"Right." Rogue glared. "But now I'm going to tell MY story—"

"I would like to hear Kurt's response to Tabitha's story, first," Professor X said happily. "If you don't mind, Rogue."

"Actually Professor, I DO mind—"

"Yes, that's great," Professor X blew her off and turned his attention on Kurt. "Kurt, tell us. If Tabitha was right, then you were looking right at Remy and Rogue when it happened. Tell us your story, Kurt."

"Oh I'll tell the story, alright." Kurt, eyes wide, said manically. "I'll tell it GOOD!"

"Excellent." Professor X folded his hands over his lap. "Proceed."


	5. Kurt: The Normal One

**A/N: Thank you all for your reviews. I read, love, and appreciate every single one of them. This time around, I've got something a little different for you.**

**The lovely, beautiful, kind, spectacularly awesome, and ridiculously talented Indigo-Night-Wisp took time out of her schedule to write this and the next two chapters for me. So if you like this, click on over to her page when you're done here and let her know! Thank you Zany : )**

**Chapter 5: Kurt: The Normal One**

Okay, I know you all wanna know about the geese, so I'll start there.

Some months ago, I was on my way home from the park-don't ask me what I was doing there, 'cause I don't remember-and I actually saw the whole thing happen. Like… Tabitha… said, a car came out of nowhere and hit these two geese which were-I'm not joking-crossing the road. (Hey, shut up, Bobby, I don't want to hear any "why did the geese cross the road" jokes.) I almost ended up getting spattered with goose blood, but managed to 'port out of the way and across the road to the other side.

(Stop. Snickering. I don't want to hear any "why did Kurt cross the road" jokes either.)

So anyway, when I got across the road, I stumbled over this little nest full of baby geese. And well, the rest is history. I brought them home. I put them in the shed in the backyard. I didn't tell anyone about them because you all are weird and creepy and would probably want to bother me about them all the time.

That's the story with the geese. Now, for the story with the gun.

I don't like attics. I'm just laying that out there right now. They're dusty, and dust gets caught in my fur. They also smell weird, which, with my sensitive olfactory equipment, is even more annoying than it is for everyone else.

Notice that Logan doesn't clean the attic.

Well, I mean, Logan doesn't clean the attic for probably a bazillion reasons-namely, I don't think anyone could make him and I can't imagine why he'd volunteer-but I figure that the smell is a big one.

Yeah, so my day started out the way… Tabitha… mentioned. Apart from the creepy moment in the kitchen when… she… wouldn't stop staring at me, everything was totally normal until Ms. Ororo ambushed me-and I mean really ambushed me, not like you all were whining about. She lay in wait until I came around the corner. I about jumped out of my skin-and I had to go help with the attic.

(And just so this is clear, I don't even remember Rogue knocking me over on the stairs. So there.)

While we were up in the attic, I was mostly just poking at some things and trying not to touch anything dusty. At some point, Pyro showed up, which I didn't see coming but guess I was okay with. I mean, when he's not trying to set me on fire, he's actually pretty cool. No pun intended.

So after lunch and the Professor's story-which I wasn't really paying attention to, but had a good excuse for not doing so: … Tabitha… was staring at me and freaking me out- Bobby was talking to Pyro, and Jean and Scott were… somewhere, and so I was really bored and decided to go talk to Kitty and see if she knew why… you know who… was being so creepy.

She didn't listen. She was too busy staring at my sister and her pseudo-stalker-boyfriend.

Now, I'm used to that, to a degree, because Kitty and I are good friends and spend a lot of time together and I know how she gets. Sometimes, she just ignores you. The way she gets sometimes, you could be on fire, screaming bloody murder in her ear and she'd ignore you. (No, Pyro, I don't want to test that theory.) Usually, when she's like this, it's because she's staring at/following/taking notes on Remy and Rogue and calling herself a love expert.

I'm used to it. That doesn't mean I like it.

Since I was being so ill treated by Kitty, I went back over to where I had been standing, looking through some boxes and trying not to breathe in.

Now let me just say, on the subject of Remy and Rogue, that I am totally cool with it.

Sort of.

(Okay, so I find it a leetle bit weird that my beloved sister is falling for the guy who kidnapped her and dragged her off to a swamp. Maybe I'm just weird like that, who knows?)

Anyway, other than the whole kidnapping thing-which he doesn't do anymore; as Rogue once told me, it's not kidnapping if they come with you willingly-Remy's actually a pretty okay dude. He's funny as heck, and he does these really awesome card tricks sometimes, plus, he's handy to have on your side in a fight. Overall, I think Rogue could do worse. (In fact, if you count Cody and a certain-other-someone-who-shall-remain-nameless-so-as-not-to-hurt-feelings, I'd say she has done worse.)

And I'm no love expert or anything, but it's pretty obvious that Remy's head over heels for Rogue, and that she at least likes him back well enough to not tell Logan about all the times he's snuck into her room in the last few months. When you set that against how often Kitty was reporting Lance to Logan, I'd say she was practically accepting a marriage proposal.

I was looking right at them when the gun went off-thanks…Tabitha… for further creeping me out with that one. And no, Rogue didn't blow smoke off the gun and she sure as heck didn't wink at Bobby. She did blow on it, however, and a big cloud of dust came off, which could have accounted for both of those things if we didn't already know that they were both a COMPLETE BAG OF BALONEY!

Rogue is… well, I hate to speak ill of my own kin, but she can be sort of clumsy. Honestly. I certainly wouldn't go around handing her firearms without first making sure they were properly un-loaded. That girl is dangerous!

So she was fiddling with the gun, and Remy said something to her that was probably really sappy and cute and gross and then she laughed a little and pointed the gun at him and BANG! It went off. She probably squeezed the trigger accidentally. I'm sure she wasn't trying to shoot him.

Anyway, after that everyone started screaming and moving around and stirring up dust everywhere, which is why I'm freakin' shedding it all over this hospital's floor. And then once we got Remy downstairs, you, Professor, wanted me to touch his butt. Thank you for that: I'm scarred for life. Rems, you're a great guy and all, but there is no way in That Bad Place that I will hold a butt-towel for you. Ever. Nuh-uh.

Also, in addition to the mental and emotional scarring I experienced-not to mention the dust-my geese were so startled by the gunshot that three of them apparently decided that they wanted to be pigs, 'cause when I went out to check on them before we left for the hospital-and by the way, whose dumb idea was it to let Kitty drive one of the carpools? NEVER let it happen again-they were all kicking up dirt everywhere and rolling in it. I. Got more dust. In my fur. Again. You know, if anyone cares.

Besides… you know who… of course.

So, yeah, that's how it happened. I spent the day being tragically misused-and stalked, apparently-and then Rogue shot Remy in the butt. Happy Valentine's Day, people.

…

Unlike all of the previous tales, Kurt's was concluded not by everyone staring at him, but at Remy. In the aftermath of Tabby, Amara, Bobby, and Kitty's stories, they'd all almost forgotten the reason they were here in the first place. Well, that isn't entirely true. Rogue was staring at Kurt. Glaring actually would be a more accurate term. Balefully.

"What?" he asked, somewhat defensively. Rogue opened her mouth to answer but was cut off by Remy.

"Would y'all stop staring at Remy? This situation is awkward enough you know."

"I am not clumsy," Rogue muttered to John, who wasn't actually listening.

"And thanks, Kurt, for being so not supportive here."

"It's not like we're really even related," Rogue continued to an oblivious Pyro.

"Hey, Kurt," Bobby said with a grin, "Why did the-"

"NO!" Kurt yelled shoving his hands against his head. "Never!"

"His kin…"

Tabby and Kitty got into a brief fight at this point, on account of Tabby still staring at Kurt and it freaking Kitty out. Scott watched nervously as John attempted to set fire the closest thing he could reach-which was, unfortunately, Jean's handbag. Amara was scowling at Tabitha, Kurt was scowling at Bobby, Rogue was scowling at Kurt, and Remy was just scowling at the world in general.

And in the middle of all of this, Professor Xavier sat calmly and serenely with his hands folded and an expression of resigned amusement on his face.

Finally, when the din grew to proportions approaching epic, he said, "Please, children, hush."

This was ignored, of course, because none of them could hear him over themselves. He sighed.

Hush, all of you, please!

They fell silent. He smiled at them all kindly.

"We are in a hospital, you know," he said. "Now, thank you Kurt for… enlightening us. Tabitha, I think you and I might need to have a talk later. But for now, I'd like to hear someone else's point of view."

"Thank you!" Rogue said, sighing in relief. "Now, here's what really-"

"Actually, Rogue," Kitty said, "I think it'd be best to hear from like, Scott or Jean, 'cause like, they're responsible and won't like, doctor it up or anything."

Rogue glared at her. "Kitty. Scott and Jean didn't see anything. Remember?"

"Oh," Kitty slumped. "Yeah."

Everyone started talking at once then, throwing in their two bits about who should go next and why. Suddenly, Xavier put up his hands. "Everyone, please, SETTLE DOWN!"

The room went quiet.


	6. Heeere's Johnny!

**Chapter 6: Heeere's Johnny!**

"John," the Professor said reasonably, rubbing his forehead. "Why don't you tell us your impression?"

The room was silent for a minute before the Aussie drawled, "Wey-al… That fella there seems to be trying to pull a fast one on that sheila, and I'm not really sure 'bout that other bloke, but I think he's having secret rendezvouses with the first sheila's mum, but she's also his mum, which is just disturbing."

There was silence for a moment as everyone stared at the back of John's orange head before the Professor asked, "What?"

"Yeah, apparently there's some kinda deal going down between her and his father, and now she has to own up to giving birth to him, but she doesn't want to 'cause she knows it'll break her daughter's heart an' for some weird reason she seems to think having a brother/sister relationship is a better idea."

John stopped talking and turned to look in the direction of the overwhelming sound of confused silence. "What?" He gestured to the TV in the room. "Soap's on."

Remy groaned as he realized his sordid tale was about to be told by the most easily distracted person he had ever met. Well, that title may be a toss-up between John and Kitty. But still, at least one of the most easily distracted people he had ever met. Briefly he considered simply telling the Professor not to bother. John wasn't exactly what Remy would call a reliable witness.

But then again, none of them were.

Patiently-the kind of patiently that took years of cultivating in a house full of mutant teenagers to achieve-Professor Xavier said, "John. I meant, tell us what you know about today's events."

"Which events?"

Suppressing the urge to blow up his best friend, Remy gritted out, "Pyro! Attic, today, BANG!"

"Oh!" John brightened. "You mean when Rogue shot you in the butt?"

"Yes, John," Remy growled in a way that would have been a lot scarier if he hadn't been lying in a hospital bed with his butt in the air. "When Rogue shot me in the BUTT!"

Guiltily, Rogue looked at the floor. John burst out laughing again. Remy sighed. Professor Xavier pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, mate," John chuckled, once he'd calmed down enough to talk. "That was priceless, it was."

Starting to get the hang of interrogating John, Xavier said, "John. Today!"

Snapping upright, the pyromaniac settled into the story without preamble, leaving everyone else confused-again-which wasn't an unusual occurrence when dealing with John.

…

Right, so today, I woke up an' ate brekky, which I wasn't gonna do, but then I remembered that it was Freddy's turn to cook, and that's usually a decent meal so I changed m' mind.

Aaaaand I was just, you know, wandering around the house, and I swear, I wasn't doing anything, but Wanda decided she didn't want me in the house today, and I can't refuse her anything she wants, and also you know since it wasn't like I actually wanted to hang out around Lance and his unrequited love for a certain X-sheila, I decided I'd come over here and hang out around Remy and his unrequited love for a certain X-sheila.

And so I borrowed Lance's jeep, which I'm not really s'posed to do, on account of how I-allegedly-crashed it that one time, but that isn't even fair 'cause there isn't any proof. But yeah, I took the jeep and came on over and when I got there Ms. Storm, her Gracious Highness, Lady Ma'am-person told me that everyone was cleaning the attic today and that if I wanted I could go up and help.

(I didn't want to, actually, but Magsy used to say things like that, like, 'If you want to go burn down that really important office building, Pyro, you go right ahead," and I knew that it really meant, 'Go burn down that really important office building to further my cause of Mutant Glory and the downfall of all humans, mwahahaha: NOW,' so I figured that I would go up to the attic before Ms. Storm, her Gracious Highness, Lady Ma'am-person electrocuted me.)

So I went on up there and Ariel over there tried to toss me into a wall and Scooter wanted to beam me up or whatever-the-heck his eyeballs do, but Remy stopped them so that was okay.

Hey, mate, stop rollin' your eyes. You know you're my hero.

Anyway, after that lovely greeting, everyone else came over and wanted to be best mates, so I was talking to Iceboy even though he's got lame powers and no taste in movies at all. Seriously, mate, I cannot believe you've never seen The Princess Bride. It's a classic, and it's been highly acclaimed as one of the-geez, Rems, stop sucking that lemon. I'm telling the story here.

I tried talking to Blue Boy, but he wouldn't stop talking to the Kitty-cat, even though she wasn't paying attention at all an' was pretty much doing the same thing to him as he was to me.

(I don't know why he was so upset about it. I talk to Remy all the time and he never pays attention. Doesn't bother me.)

Professor and Stormy-Lady-Person-Thing came up and started talking 'bout the stuff in the boxes, which I guess belonged to you or something, Professor, 'cause it was really old.

For some reason, Kit-Kat here kept on glaring at me, which sort of reminded me of Wanda, even though you-sorry, sheila-are definitely nothing like her. She's scarier than you. An' I don't know what your problem was, 'cause I was just playing with Marguerite here.

Oh, Marguerite is m' lighter. Say hello to the nice Professor, Marguerite.

She's shy.

Where was I? Oh yeah. After a really long time, Ariel and the Professor decided that we needed some lunch after we'd been working so hard, so of course Scooter decided that he needed to play knight-in-shiny-red-shades and go help them get some, even though we all knew it was really just an excuse to get out of the attic.

(I don't know what everyone's problem with the attic was. I like attics. They've got lots of old stuff and most of it is flammable. What's not to like? I am not getting distracted, Remy, I'm adding color!)

So they got lunch and came back and Professor told us a story about when he was young which had to have been over fifty years ago. I didn't eat any lunch 'cause they got Mexican and I hate Mexican food.

I'm not pouting, Roguey, and you don't get to talk right now, so shut up.

I'm not really good at cleaning things, especially attics, which might have something to do with the fact that I've never cleaned an attic before, but also maybe something to do with the fact that I don't like to clean. Except by burning. Did you know that to burn paper you need a temperature of 451 degrees Fahrenheit?

Of course I can tell what temperature a fire is. Explain? Explain what? Okay, you know what, Scooter, you explain your powers to me and then we'll talk. I know what I'm talking about. There was a book about it anyway.

I was playing with Marguerite and trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to be doing here and why I couldn't just leave and then Blue Boy and Miss I-Know-Everything-There-Is-To-Know-About-Remy-And-Rogue, which is complete bologna, by the way-

Hey! Hey! It's my turn to talk here, Catwoman! And anyway, you don't know everything there is to know about 'em, 'cause you got the half that's in denial. Roguey doesn't moan and whine and tell you everything you never cared to know about Remy does she? No, she doesn't, but Remy's my best mate, and if he wants to talk about his sheila, then I let him, 'cause that's what best mates do. Thing is, she's all he ever talks about, and back when y'all still hated us, on account of us working for Magneto or whatever, he used to come up with ways to sneak into the mansion to see her. Guess who had to listen to all of those plans! You aren't the only one with the monopoly on weird best mates, Kitty-cat, even if mine doesn't wear wacked out makeup and a dog collar and look like she's on her way to a death metal concert all the time.

Hey, mate, you're mad at her, so you don't get to look at me like you wanna blow me up for saying that 'bout your sheila.

Blue Boy and Kitty-cat were arguing over something that wasn't interesting enough to pay attention to, but I figure had something to do with her not paying attention to him. The blond chick-I forget your name, sorry-was staring at Blue Boy like she was trying to bore a hole in his head. Wanda looks at me like that all the time, so I know what I'm talking about. Ariel and Scooter were snogging behind some boxes-oh, come on, you totally were-and Rems and Roguey were flirting and then Blondie comes over to me and Iceboy 'cause she was talking to Kitty before and believe me, ours was the preferable company, in spite of him.

I was actually facing the lovebirds when it happened, so I saw that Rogue had the gun. She was doing something with it, loading it probably, and Remy was saying something to her.

And then something shiny was glinting in the sunlight coming in through the window behind Remy, and I sort of stopped paying attention to them for a second and then the gun went off.

I started paying attention again, 'cause yeah, I know I'm easily distracted-thanks, Rems-but I'm not deaf. Remy was laying on the ground and bleeding and stuff and Rogue was just standing there with this look on her face like she smelled something bad. And then everyone panicked for some dumb reason and Remy started whining about his butt. Honestly, what's the big deal, mate? You've had alligators munching on that thing, it's not like a bullet's gonna kill you.

…

John stopped abruptly and looked back at the TV. Everyone waited for him to continue but when nothing more appeared forthcoming, Professor Xavier prompted, "John? Is that all?"

"All of what?"

Exasperated, Remy blew out a breath. "Forget it, Professor. There're only a few things that will hold John's attention for longer than a minute or two at a time. And since it didn't involve either Wanda, fire, or koala bears, frankly, I'm surprised he got through the whole story."

Kitty muttered, "I am too the expert. What does he know about romance?" Rogue rolled her eyes.

"I'm not that old," the Professor said suddenly. Everyone ignored him, as everyone was already talking.

"Didn't you know, Kitty? John writes romance novels?"

"Are you kidding me!"

"-just because I was born in an era when television was the height of technology-"

"St. John Allerdyce? Novels?"

"-did he even see anything at all?"

"-got distracted, of course he did-"

"-and I'll have you know that Cerebro is a highly developed form of technology-"

"-why am I not surprised?"

"-John! Good grief, Jean, it's like he doesn't even know where he is!"

"Well, Scott-"

"-I am NOT that old."

"-he is a little… crazy, you know."

"Logan is older than I am…"

"I just can't believe-"

"-I'm gonna blow him up, Remy swear t' pita-"

"EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!"

They all turned to look at John, who was looking behind him with a startled expression on his face. He turned back around and jumped when he saw them all facing him. Holding up his hands he said, "Now look, mates, I didn't say that."

"Then who did?" Scott frowned. John scowled at him.

"How should I know? It came from behind me."

"In your pocket, John! Your back pocket!"

Raising an eyebrow, John reached into his back pocket and pulled out his cellphone. Holding it out to show everyone, he tapped the power button to bring the screen to life.

WANDA

Leaning forward, Professor Xavier said, "Miss Maximoff? How long have you been listening?"

"Far too long, Professor," came the disgruntled reply. "John butt-dialed me in the car."

Xavier looked up, confused. "I… I-excuse me? What does that mean?"

The students stared at him. Bobby coughed into his hand-a cough that sounded suspiciously like it contained the word "old"-and Kitty said, "Um, Professor, that's like, when someone sits on their phone and like, accidentally, like, calls someone on their like, speed dial. And, you know… they dialed with their butt."

The Professor looked surprised. "Oh. I have… never heard it referred to in that way."

Kurt caught Bobby's cough.

"Ahem," Xavier cleared his throat. "Does that mean, Miss Maximoff, that you have a version of the events that took place in the attic?"

"Please, Professor, call me Wanda. And yes, I know what happened in the attic."

"Well then" the professor said, leaning back in his wheelchair and making a steeple with his fingers. "Please proceed, Wanda. Don't keep us in suspense."


	7. Wanda: The Ears of Johnny's Butt

**Chapter 7: Wanda: The Ears of Johnny's Butt**

First of all, I'd like to ask a question.

How the heck did the X-Men manage to keep beating us when we fought? I mean, seriously. You're all insane! Half of you are stalkers, the other half are obliviously being stalked, and the rest of you act like this is completely normal!

(Shut up, Gambit, I know my math sucks.)

Second, I want to point out that everything that comes out of St. John Allerdyce's mouth should either be strictly analyzed and put through a polygraph machine, or disregarded entirely. The man makes up stories for a living. Or it would be a living if his publisher would agree to give him more of the profits. It's a hobby. Don't believe anything he says without proof.

Third, most of what he just told you is baloney. I mean, the basic facts were right, but the rest of it? Hogwash.

Right, so here's what really happened.

I didn't just up and decide I didn't want Johnny around today, for one thing. I kicked him out of the house because he was driving everyone as crazy as he is. He took Lance's jeep –which he most certainly is not allowed to do– and drove off. We thought he was going off to burn down a fire station or something, so we didn't worry about it.

And then he butt-dialed me in the car.

I've told him, over and over I've told him, that that touch-screen phone is a bad idea. It's waaay too easy to accidentally do things with a touch screen. And he never remembers to lock it. So yeah.

Aaannywayyyy…

I picked up my phone and asked him why he was calling me when he'd just left the house five minutes ago. He didn't answer, so I assume he didn't hear me. He turned on the radio then and started singing along. I gave up trying to talk to him then.

I won't bore you all with descriptions of where he went before ending up on your doorstep. Suffice to say, it involved fire, an octopus, and an argument with a McDonald's drive-thru worker.

Yeah, trust me, you don't want to know.

John ended up at the mansion finally. (Honestly though, who let him in? You guys have terrible security around here. I bet Remy's in charge of it.)

Shut up, Scooter. Yeah, I can hear you muttering back there. Everyone else was allowed to ramble. Don't I get the same right?

So, yeah, Storm intercepted Johnny going into the mansion.

She said something like, "Oh, Pyro! I didn't know you were here. Everyone is up in the attic. Well, everyone except Logan, that is. You can go on up, if you like."

Okay, so this is the point at which everyone's versions of the story start… colliding, I guess is the best term for it. Once everybody made it up to the attic and wandered off to do their own thing –instead of actually cleaning, which was the point of being up there in the first place– they all lost track of each other and nobody has any clear idea of what happened.

I, on the other hand, wasn't exactly present in the attic, and while I did have to go along with Johnny and his rather attention-challenged wanderings, I was also able to hear pretty much everything that happened. So, at this point, I'm the only one who actually knows anything of value.

The professor's story, for instance. Did no one listen to it, but me? It was a fascinating story about his brother, his great-aunt, a horse, and a very large watermelon pie. Unfortunately, since you all chose not to pay attention, you missed out on such a great story. I will certainly not be repeating it for you.

Ahem. Also, the red-headed annoying girl and Scooter over there were definitely sucking face. John was standing right next to the crates they were hiding behind at one point, and I could hear it.

Yes. Be disgusted. I certainly was.

Now, on the subject of Remy and Rogue…

I know most of you have some sort of opinion on whether or not Remy's good enough for Rogue, or how she's gonna get past the whole kidnapped-and-whisked-off-to-Louisiana (which face it, was basically just the best date ever for Roguey) thing, or even if either of them could survive an actual, real-life, no-holds-barred relationship. And some of those opinions are probably kind of valid. As for me…

Rogue, he's hot and he's into you. Stop bothering me about bending probability to work in your favor and just go for it. Between the two of you, if I add any more chemistry, there's gonna be a lab explosion.

And Remy? John may write romances, but the closest thing he's ever actually had to a romantic relationship is following me around the house spouting random love poems at me. Granted, they're pretty good love poems, but still. He's not an expert, no more than the cat-girl is. What he is, is a fanboy, one who's been rooting for you and Rogue to get together for at least as long as Catgirl. The main characters in his latest novel are based off of you two, for goodness' sake. Any advice he gives you, I'd suggest discarding it. Immediately. Rogue is not exactly the type you can woo with flowers and sappy poetry.

The attic. Right.

Like he said, Johnny was standing pretty near-by the lovebirds when The Shooting happened. He may not have been paying attention, but I could hear every word.

Rogue said, "Hey, Rems, look what I found." I assume that this was the point at which she pulled the gun out of the box.

Remy chuckled and said, "Watch where y' pointin' that thing, chére."

"Oh, you mean like this? Put your hands in the air, bud." She was pointing the gun at him, I think.

"Rogue…" he hesitated a little. "I… I need to tell you something."

"What?" her voice was quieter, so I think she was turned away briefly.

I could hear him shifting, turning a little himself.

"Rogue, it's Valentine's Day-"

"Yeah? So?" She wasn't really paying attention.

"Iloveyou," he said really quickly.

Rogue asked, "What?" Her voice squeaked.

I heard Remy take a deep breath.

"I love you," he said again, more clearly.

And then she shot him.

After that, it was all screaming and yelling and arguing and then, finally, at the hospital, all of you telling your stories and arguing, screaming, and yelling some more.

So, yeah, that's what I heard. I've been subjected to John and his issues before noon, McDonald's drive-thru workers, inane conversations about movies older than I am, Remy being shot in the butt by his not-girlfriend, Kitty, Amara screaming in my ear, Kitty, ridiculous stories that couldn't possibly be true, Scooter, Kitty, and the utter insanity of true love or some crap like that. Happy Valentine's Day, jerks.

…

It was quiet for a moment before Bobby asked curiously, "Uh, Wanda?"

"What?" she snapped. John nearly dropped his phone.

"Um, why didn't you just hang up?"

She sputtered for few seconds before snarling, "None of your business, you little weirdo who hasn't seen The Princess Bride. I can do what I want. I'm the Scarlet Witch!"

"Yes, yes, luv," John soothed, whipping his free hand underneath his chin in a classic "stop talking" sign to Bobby. He turned away, muttering into the phone.

Everyone turned and looked at Rogue, who was standing quietly by Remy's bedside.

"Remy," Professor X spoke up in a solemn tone. "I think that now is the time—the time for you to tell us what really happened."


	8. Butt Shooter

**Chapter 8: Butt Shooter**

The room was silent. And then—

"What!" Rogue exploded. "Why does Remy get to go first? I've been wanting to tell my side all day! I think I-"

Remy (whose butt was still poking in the air) shot her a look of hurt and betrayal. "That's enough out of you, butt shooter!"

"Heh heh," Pyro giggled. "Butt Shooter. That your new name, Roguey?" Before Rogue could retort, his attention was drawn to the TV screen. "Oi! The tall bloke's waking from his coma!"

"Hey Butt Shooter!" Bobby, grinning, waved at Rogue from across the room. "How's it going, Butt Shooter? Shoot any butts lately?"

Everyone started snickering except for Remy, who still wore the look of a man that had just had his butt shot by a loved one—whatever that was supposed to look like—, and Johnny, who was busy watching the tall bloke wake from his coma, only to whisper—'The man who shot me was…was…was…' before he fell back into a coma, and Wanda, who refused to smile even if it was funny because that would be too out of character for her, and Rogue, who was busy taking off her glove.

"Alright children, that's enough." Professor X spoke up and attempted to roll forward, but then realized that he had been rolling forward all day and didn't have anywhere else to roll forward to. He didn't know what to do because rolling forward in a calming manner was kind of his _thing_. So he simply rolled backwards and then finally rolled forward again.

It was all very calming to everyone standing around.

"Let's calm down and let Butt Shooter—I mean ROGUE," he said quickly, "finally explain herself. Rogue," he folded his hands because that was also his thing and looked up at her expectantly. "Tell us why you did this to Remy."

Butt Shooter couldn't believe it. It was FINALLY her turn! All day she had been forced to listen to everyone's ridiculous tales and now, FINALLY in this moment, it was time for her to set it all straight. Finally.

"No." Remy finally spoke up after FIVE WHOLE MINUTES of Rogue staring into space with a satisfied look on her face. "I'm goin' first."

"NOOOO!" Rogue wailed. "But—"

…

Remy done had a lot of bad things happen in his life, but he always managed to come out of every situation alive and having learned a lesson from it all. Today I learned somethin' that I already knew. So I guess I didn't learn it. I guess I was just reminded not let my guard down, not to trust anybody, and not ever to listen to my heart.

It only gets you in a rut. It never leads you anywhere good. To spare yourself from ever being hurt, the best thing to do is listen to cold, hard, logical sense. Logical sense keeps you safe.

I won't be tellin' you anythin' about my life before comin' to Bayville because it don't matter in this story. You all think this is so funny. No one bothers to think that I might actually be hurt, and not in a physical way. Everyone wants to make light of my pain, and that's all great for you, but I don't think you're gettin' the point.

I was shot today. By the woman that I…

By the woman that I enjoy being around. And just to be clear, Remy's never enjoyed a woman's company when she was fully dressed and talkin' about things like her favorite kind of oatmeal.

For my own heart's safety, I've always been alone.

…

Rogue glared. "Remy, that is really depressing."

"What can I say? You took Remy's heart and broke it a million pieces." Remy responded in a tone that was surely overly laced with a dramatic type of sadness. Surely. No one could be THAT sad over getting shot in the butt.

"I didn't MEAN to!" Little tears started to leak from the corner of her eyes and Rogue furiously wiped them away. "Now you listen to me, Remy LeBeau! This is how it went!"

…

When I met Remy, I hated him. I mean really hated him. I hated everything about him. That ridiculous coat and that loud motorcycle, those flirty little comments, and that infuriating smirk made me want to run him over with a semi-truck, reverse, and then run him over again.

And then, as if I didn't hate him enough, he decides to be a creep and whisk me off to New Orleans and tell a buttload of lies and make me hate him even more. Then I had to go home and listen to Kitty talking about how fricken romantic it all was and how she wished a 'like, totally hot guy' would kidnap her. Now she says it was creepish. Whatever.

As you might have figured out, I have this slight anger management problem and I knew it. So I tried to make myself a better person, and I tried not to hate Remy so much.

It was going great until he showed up at the door that day. In case you were wondering, that scene went something more like this:

It was really hot that day and Kitty was wearing some slutty outfit. We heard a loud rumbling outside and looked out the window to see what was up. When we looked out there was Remy, coming up on that bike. And he was wearing these muscles that glinted in the sun. He was really good looking and it pissed me off.

I remember thinking, I HATE that swamp rat! And I guess I must have said it out loud because Kitty looked at me like I was crazy.

We went downstairs to where Kurt was cleaning a window for some reason and Professor X was rolling up and greeting Remy. Obviously he had known that he was coming. I wondered how long they had been in contact about it but I didn't ask. I don't know why but Professor X was introducing us as though we were old pals.

"Kids, this is Gambit, I hope it's safe to assume that you remember him."

It was too much for me. How could I hear something like that and not come back with a snarky—but true—comment? "Yeah," I remember saying, "I remember him spraying poison gas in my face and dragging me across the country."

I regretted it as soon as I said it because Professor X looked embarrassed. Remy just smirked like this was all good fun and Kitty was standing in-between us with this dumb look on her face—that's probably what the 'love expert' expression is supposed to look like.

I don't remember yelling like a crazed baboon or anything, but I do remember grinding my teeth together really hard because that smirk really grated at my nerves, and then growling before storming off.

…

"You know, Rogue," Kitty, hands on her hips, directed a disapproving glare at Rogue. "You're like, kind of making yourself look bad. Like, if you like, keep this up, everyone is going to like, think you're totally guilty."

"Kitty." Rogue stared. "I AM guilty. Right now I'm trying to explain how this happened-"

"In case you forgot che—" Remy quickly cleared his throat, "Rogue, it was my turn to speak." Rogue's shoulders drooped at the name change but Remy didn't notice. "Now, like I was saying…"

…

I was alone until six months ago. Six months ago I came to live in the Xavier mansion with all the other X-men. You're all insane on the inside and as normal as a mutant can be on the outside and I was surprised to find myself enjoying living with you all. But there was one person that I especially enjoyed being around. And that was…was…

Kurt. He's a great guy. Remy can see why Tabby stalks him.

There was also Rogue. She's good company too when she's not shootin' me in the ass.

I spent a lot of time around Rogue, but not because I liked her or anythin'. I don't really feel much of anythin' towards her. She numbed all of my feelings with that bullet.

…

Rogue picked up her chair and threw it. That thing she had mentioned about anger management issues, she really hadn't been kidding about it. She threw the chair because she was so angry and upset that she wasn't thinking straight. And when throwing a chair in a room full of people, you should probably be thinking straight so as not to hurt anyone. Though if you WERE throwing a chair in a room full of people you probably wouldn't be of rational mind in the first place.

The chair flung through the air. Everyone watched in slow motion as it twirled, end over end towards Johnny, who was bending over and tying his shoe. The plastic smacked into his butt (efficiently hanging up on Wanda) and then bounced off like a boomerang, straight toward Kurt's head.

Kurt, not wanting anything to touch his head that had already touched John's butt, moved out of the way. But Tabitha, who thought that she was helping and wanted to get the object of her creepish affections out of harm's way, moved to push Kurt out of the way, but instead ended up shoving him back into the path that he had just stepped out of.

Across the room, Professor X was rolling backwards to prepare to roll forward in a minute to calm everyone down, and Amara was picking desperately at a booger that was refusing to come out, but neither of these things are really relevant.

Over on the other end of the room, Kurt had a split second to brace himself for getting smacked in the face with a chair. And that's when Jean remembered that she actually had the ability to stop this.

But she didn't really feel like it.

Instead, Scott TORE off his glasses like, a half inch, and blasted Kurt out of the way. Sure he could have blasted the chair, but this was more fun. As Kurt flew backwards into the wall, (still in slow motion) Tabitha stepped into the chair's path and caught it like a NINJA. Or something that catches things really well. Like a cat. Or an athlete.

Everything stopped moving in slow motion. Tabitha's eyes were on Scott and a deadly look swam within their depths.

Professor X felt like this was the prime time for him to roll forward.

But before he could, Rogue stepped forward. It appeared that her anger was gone now, leaving her shocked at her own actions. "Pyro…Kurt, I am so sorry!"

"Eh'?" Johnny straightened up from tying his shoe. "What's that, love?"

Everyone stared.

At the nurse that had just entered the room and was staring at them all with a look of amazement and disbelief.

"WHAT are all you people DOING in here! This patient wasn't ALLOWED visitors! He needs rest! And medication! And quiet! Lots of quiet! Why, in ALL MY YEARS I don't think I have EVER seen anything QUITE so disrespectful! This hospital has RULES! And REGULATIONS! And-"

"Yeah, lady, we get it," Bobby grumbled as they all filed out.

The nurse seemed slightly placated by this, and now seemed to regret yelling so much. "He can have two visitors, but that's ALL. And you all have to be VERY quiet and not rile him up. UNDERSTOOD?"

Rogue was annoyed at this whole situation, and really irritated by the way the woman put a lot of emphasis on every other word, but she nodded and smiled.

"Two visitors, eh'?" John strolled forward and started pushing Professor X's wheelchair out of the door. "Well, guess that means he just wants his two besties. Sorry Chuckie, maybe you get to hear the story next time, yeah?"

Professor X protested. "But John-what are you—I don't think-"

John shoved the wheelchair out into the hall, winked at the nurse, and slammed the door shut. Clapping his hands together, he turned to find Remy and Rogue both staring at him.

"Now," he fixed his eyes on Rogue. "Roguey. I believe it was your turn."


	9. What Remy's Got to Say

**Chapter 9: What Remy's Got to Say**

"Ok." Rogue quickly pushed aside the shock she felt as seeing her Professor shoved out into a hallway and turned to Remy. All of the events of the day had led up to this moment. Now was the time when she had to lay it all out on the table and make him understand her actions. And more importantly, she had to make him forgive her. If anyone felt horrible about what had happened, it was her.

She slid into the only chair left at his bedside. "I'm not tryin' to rub salt in the wound here, but you're a liar."

She broke his heart, she broke his butt, and now she was insulting him. Remy was amazed by her audacity.

"You lied." She continued, ignoring his open-mouthed look. "You said you never felt anything for me and I know that's not the truth. I hurt you, and I'm sorry, but if you'd give me a chance to explain…" Feeling uncomfortable, she glanced over at John who was watching them like they were now his new soap opera. She stared at him with her eyebrows raised.

He didn't get the hint.

"I find it hard to believe that it was an accident." Remy sent her a pointed look. "Given what we were talkin' about just seconds before it happened. And how do you expect me to listen to anythin' you say, Anna? Anytime you get close to talkin' bout' anythin' close to your feelings, you close up. You don't let me near the real you."

"I…" He was right and it was suddenly hard to find the right words in which to argue her own innocence. He had a point. She never talked about her feelings, she was too paranoid to let anyone get too close. And in that moment where he was threatening to wriggle his way in her heart anyway, she had reacted. Maybe, subconsciously, she had shot him on purpose.

But probably not.

"I know." She said quietly. "But that's not what this was about. Let me tell you what really—"

A loud crinkling sound filled the air and both of them looked to see John opening up a bag of peanuts. "Ignore me," he shoved a handful into his mouth. "Pretend I'm not here…"

Remy rolled his eyes. "You have five minutes."

Everyone sat there.

"Oh, me?" Rogue snapped to attention. "Right, right…"

…

Remy, for the past week I've been keeping something from you. Something huge. Something that you are going to be very happy about when I tell you. But I'll get to that in a minute. First, let's get a few things straight.

You've been a good buddy for the past six months. But to be perfectly honest, for the most part, I can't stand you. You're cocky, you act like I can't understand all those dirty things you say to me in French, you don't like Metallica (and I really, really don't understand that), you go through my panty drawer and leave pictures of yourself in there, and you do all those other things that I mentioned before. The coat, the smirk, etcetera, etcetera…There is something about you that rubs me the wrong way.

But that's not why I shot you! Don't look at me like that; I'm getting' to my point!

The point is, you have all of these flaws and yet, sometimes, I see more. Really. Who goes for an untouchable woman? No one has ever wanted me or pursued me. And I know you don't think I know this, but I know how much you love animals. You're the reason that stray cat keeps comin' around; you won't stop feedin' it. And I saw you taking that bird to the animal hospital when your cat got a hold of it.

But then there are other things too. The way you oh-so-casually hold the door open for anyone and everyone. The way you listened to that stupid poem Kitty wrote when no one else would. That time when you helped that old lady cross the road and you only stole a twenty from her, when I know you wanted to take that watch.

You don't like anyone knowing it, but I know that deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, WAY deep, deep, deep down, you're a really good guy.

Which is why I…really enjoy your company.

You make me feel things I didn't know I could feel before, you pull out parts of me that I hide from everyone else and you…John, why are you looking at me like? What?

Dirty? What was dirty about any of that?

Oh…

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Anyway. Remy, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not the same person with you as I am with everyone else. With you I feel more open (John, stop lookin' at me like that!) and free to be myself.

I've never felt this way for anyone…and…hell, I'm just going to get to the point.

When I shot you—

…

"NO!" Nine people all yelled at once.

"AH!" Rogue shrieked.

"Like, Rogue!" Kitty snapped, ignoring Rogue's shock. "You can't like, skip ahead to the part of the story we've like, all been waiting for! Besides, we haven't heard Remy's side yet."

"Quite right," Professor X agreed as he accepted the peanuts Johnny offered him. "Remy, go on."

"What!"

"Shh." Charles shushed Rogue.

Feeling a bit outraged now, Rogue turned to Remy and met his gaze. At some point—probably in the last few minutes—something had changed there. The angry, hurt look had almost disappeared, now replaced by one of deep thought. Rogue could tell by just looking at him now that he was wondering—wondering if he had been quick to judge, wondering if maybe he had been a touch too rough with his words before. Maybe she really had been telling the truth all this time and hadn't shot him on purpose after all?

Still though. She had shot him.

But now she was standing there and looking at him with those big green eyes that betrayed how intensely annoyed she currently was. She was SO…so…not entirely revolting to him at the moment.

Still holding onto her gaze, he began.

…

You were right, ma chère. I'm a liar. And a thief and a whole lotta other things I'd rather you not know about. But yet you do know about them all and still you don't seem to care.

You let the world see this angry, sad, little girl. And you are that person. But peel back that layer and Remy knows what ya' are. You're normal. You want love and affection and acceptance. But then you're brave and strong and beautiful and intolerant of pretty much everything. But don't change that. That's what Remy loves about ya the most.

It might be a dumb idea since I hadn't heard your side of the story yet—for all I know you might have shot me on purpose after all—but I don't really care. I love you, Anna. And I forgive you.

Um. You don't have to cry; Remy said he forgives you. Stop crying. Please stop crying?

There, there…Wait a sec, didn't you say you've been hidin' somethin' huge from me all week?


	10. Rogue's Explanation

**A/N: I'm very happy that this story is finished now, but I do have to admit that I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I hope you all find it enjoyable as well. Love you guys :) See ya' next time.**

**Chapter 10: Rogue's Explanation**

After a few moments, Remy _accidently_ pushed the 'call nurse' button and the shrilly nurse came and nearly lost it over seeing all of the people back in his room again. After yelling and yelling and yelling and yelling, she kicked them all out again, except for Rogue.

Now out in the waiting room, the nurse sat behind the nurse's station, eyeing them like a hawk, making sure that they didn't move without her seeing it. It was a little unnerving.

"Well this like, sucks!" Kitty pouted, crossing her arms and poking out her bottom lip. "Rogue shoots Remy in the butt, and like, Remy is like, totally over it! They were giving each other googly eyes. I bet they're in there bumping uglies RIGHT NOW."

"Kitty!" Professor X gasped.

"Seriously, Kitty." Scott said sternly. "Please, don't be so crude. Besides," he said thoughtfully, "Rogue's power prevents them from fornicating." He blushed.

Kitty smirked. "Are you BLUSHING?"

"What?" He quickly looked away. "Of course not!"

"All you said was fornicating!"

"Kitty!"

"Scott. It's ok. I won't say fornicating anymore."

Scott glared.

Kitty's lip twitched. "And I won't even _mention_ sex."

"KITTY!"

John giggled evilly. Yes. Evilly. "Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex and lots of other dirty things!"

Scott's face was on fire by this point, but that didn't do anything to stop everyone else from joining in, except for Jean, who had run off to the bathroom, and Professor X who sat patiently as all of his students started chiming in and saying words that were making Scott's face turn redder and redder.

Not to mention the nurse's. But that was probably from the anger. "WHAT are you ALL thinking!" She shrieked as she ran over. "This is a HOSPITAL! A hosPITAL! NOT a creepy little house for your DEMENTED HUMOR! You! And YOU! All of YOU! If I were your MOTHER I would ware your bottoms out GOOD! But I'm NOT! So I can't do that! So I WON'T! But if you-ANY of you! Misbehave AGAIN, I will see to it that you ALL-"

She was interrupted by her beeper going off. Somewhere in the hospital she was needed, but she seemed torn between staying to yell at them all and going to actually do her job. She chose the latter.

"I have to LEAVE now! But if ANY OF YOU put a toe out of LINE I WILL find out! And I WILL see to it that you are PUNISHED!" She turned and ran off, leaving them all staring after her.

Jean arrived two seconds later. "So what's new?"

"The crazy lass is gone!" John answered happily.

"So we can go back in now?"

"Yep!"

Professor X led the way back to Remy's room, humming a happy tune as they went past unsuspecting visitors and staff members. The others followed, trying their best to look innocent and casual. Most might find it odd that an upstanding citizen like Johnny the Pyro would ever blatantly break hospital rules like a common hoodlum, but today, he had to admit, he was feeling a little on the wild side.

"Here we are." Scott said seriously. "Everyone be quiet; let's see if we can hear what they're talking about."

Everyone leaned forward and listened closely.

"Does it look bad?" Remy was asking, worry evident in his tone of voice.

"It ain't that bad." Rogue answered soothingly. "They said that the bullet didn't even go in; it just kind of grazed the cheek so you'll probably get to come home today." There was a moment of silence before Rogue spoke again, only this time her voice was a low purr. "Don't worry; I'll take care of you."

"Is that so? Remy thinks he might like that…"

"Oh you will," Rogue said teasingly, "I'll take really good—HOLY CRAP!"

"What!" Remy sounded alarmed. "What is it?!"

"That guy's got TWO evil twins!"

"…What?"

"Johnny left his soap on…I've just been kind of watching it because he left it on and OH MY GOD that guy doesn't have one evil twin, he's got TWO! I didn't see that one coming, but it really explains a lot."

Outside, Scott and Kurt both had to hold Johnny down to keep him from busting into the room to see what was happening.

"Rogue."

"Hm?"

Remy sighed loudly. "Why don't you let the ding dongs outside the door in here and come back to sit with me?"

"What? Oh…" There were footsteps and everyone in the hall pulled their ears from the door and quickly composed themselves, trying to make it seem as though they had just walked up. By the time Rogue opened the door, she was met with many pairs of wide, innocent eyes and false expressions of guiltlessness.

The southerner wasn't fooled. "You ain't foolin' nobody." She told them as she ushered them inside. "So don't give me those looks."

Professor X maintained his innocence. "I'm not sure what you mean, Rogue, but I won't inconvenience you by asking to explain."

Kitty cast a suspicious look around the room before she settled on Remy, still facedown in the hospital bed. He lifted an eyebrow questioningly at her but she ignored him. "What have you guys been doing in here?" She directed at Rogue, who shut the door behind all of them before turning around. Her eyes found Remy's. They both grinned.

By that shared gesture it was all too clear what they had been doing in here together. Talking—probably—but all the same, Kitty gasped and pointed. John gasped and pointed (at the TV), Jean gasped (as she realized that a piece of toilet paper had been stuck to her shoe this entire time), Scott gasped (because Jean poked him in the ribs so he could see her toilet paper shoe), Tabitha gasped (as the thought of Kurt in a bubble bath crossed her mind), and Kurt gasped (in disgust because he was pretty sure Tabitha was thinking something dirty about him).

Professor X didn't gasp. Instead he rolled forward in a calming manner. Everyone settled down a little bit. "Remy, Rogue." He addressed them both. "Please, do tell us before the lovely nurse returns and permanently bans us from the room."

"Tell you what, Professor?" Rogue asked as she returned to Remy's side.

"Your accounts of the shooting, of course."

"Really? We're still on that?" She and Remy exchanged looks. "We were kind of hoping we could move on and forget about it…"

This was met with a chorus of grumbling, a disapproving look from their professor, and a "What the crap, Rogue!" from Kitty.

"Alright, fine!" She threw her hands in the air. "But as soon as I'm done, you're all leavin'! Got it?"

"Right."

"Sure."

"Ok."

"Of course, proceed, please."

"Fine, just hurry fore' the show comes back on."

Rogue rolled her eyes in agitation, smiled lovingly down at Remy, and began.

…

Okay. So where was I? Oh yeah.

So, here's how it goes. Six months ago Remy LeBeau came to live with us. Like I explained before, at that point in time, I hated pretty much everything about him. And over the course of these six months, I've come to a point that these little quirks that I hated so much have become…somewhat…endearing to me. And then I came to understand that all my anger towards these things was just pent-up sexual tension from years of no touching anything ever.

But that's another story for another time.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is this: I have fallen in love with Remy LeBeau. The problem is—or was, was that I was too scared to admit it. Not only because Remy is a 'playboy' (c'mon, you all know what I mean. If it's in a skirt he's gonna go after it). As I explained to Remy a few minutes ago before you all rudely busted in and demanded that I tell you all of this, I'm just not the type of person that can talk about their feelings easily; it's hard for me.

I didn't want to tell him about it because I didn't want to talk about it, and because I was afraid of what he would say or do. But at the same time, I did want to tell him about it. I needed him to know.

So when I woke up this morning, I made an important decision. I was going to tell him how I felt and damn the consequences. This, as you might have noticed, made me just a little jumpy, resulting in a ridiculous case of clumsiness.

During training this morning I accidently kicked Bobby on the butt. For some reason he seemed to think that I was hitting on him, figuratively and literally.

After that I went for a quick jog around the grounds to calm my nerves. I ended up at the edge of the woods around back where Kurt keeps his geese hidden. They're in this big caged in area with wooden planks stuck in the ground and chicken wire loosely—or crappily—wrapped around it all in a big square. Kurt, I'm sorry. That was the worst cage I have ever seen. Seriously, was that duct tape I saw holding it all together?

Ok, so…I saw the geese just sitting there with those big eyes and cute little feathers and…I'm not proud of this but I…might have spoken in one of those scary voices that people tend to reserve for when they're talking to babies. NO. I am not going to do it for you.

I decided to go back to the house after a few minutes of…that and well…you all know how clumsy I was today. I turned around to go back and then sort of fell backwards again. Straight onto my butt. I really don't know how I did it because there was nothing there to trip on. Something like that takes talent if you ask me.

Kurt, I'm sorry. Again. I fell into your crappy fence and it exploded or something because the whole thing was kind of nonexistent by the time I finally got back to my feet.

And those cute little geese…were terrifying once they were loose. They hissed at me! And they snapped at me and I could have sworn that I saw one of them give me the finger; or the feather, whatever you want to call it.

I started trying to get them back into their collapsed cage but by then they seemed to have some sort of goose vendetta against me and they started attacking me and I ran.

I got back to the house and I was going to tell Kurt about the geese (I really was), but Remy found me first.

He pulled me into the dining room and he had a serious look on his face. Speaking of which.

You know how Remy never looks serious? He's always wearing that smirk because he's always teasing or laughing or flirting. So when Remy came up to me looking serious, I thought someone must have died. Really. His serious face is scary! You would think that after everything that's happened today we would have seen that face at least once, but no. He's been wearing angry Remy face all day and angry Remy face ain't no where near as scary as serious Remy face.

So, back to the point. Remy pulled me into the dining room. I guess I should also mention that before you guys came in here, Remy told me that he had been trying to ask me out to dinner tonight. But I didn't know that at the time of course.

"Oh God." I only said that because of the scary serious Remy face, and partly because I was thinking about those geese out loose on society, but Remy took it personally.

"What's with the attitude? Why you gotta be like that?" At the time, he was nervous so he was snappy. But I didn't know that. I was just annoyed by this comment and could already feel my temper flaring up. I tried to smother it with my love for him.

That didn't really work out.

"OK," I snapped, already (yes, already) at the end of my patience, "Sorry, Dad, but I don't have time for this."

Remy sucked his breath in through his teeth—a true sign of irritation. "You know, if I was your father, I would—"

"You would WHAT?" I demanded.

Both of our temper's skyrocketed, we stared each other down, my hand was itching to slap him—and then suddenly, we were cracking up like this was the funniest thing ever.

I don't know why.

That was when we heard the screaming. We both ran out in the hall to see what was going on.

I don't know about Remy, but the first thing I noticed was the screaming. And let me be clear on something. I wasn't screaming. Remy wasn't screaming. The geese, who were incredibly loud, were not screaming. But Bobby was pressed up against the wall, screaming bloody murder, with tears running down his face. Yeah, tears. And c'mon now, I know why those geese were there. Those diabolical creatures had hunted me down! I had destroyed their cage and they were bent on revenge. But really, Bobby, even I wasn't crying about it.

Whatever. It wasn't long after that when Kurt came in and flipped out over the all the birds and took them off…somewhere. I don't know where he took them but it can't have been back to that cage.

While he was doing that, Remy pulled me back into the dining room and shut the door.

"Ooookay…" He blinked a few times like he was trying to get the image of those birds out of his head. "I was sayin' before…Remy wanted to ask you somethin'."

The door opened and Miss Ororo came in. She rudely told us that they were going to clean the attic out today and that we were going to help them. I don't know why she was so snappy about it; I didn't ask. I reckon she's PMSing or something.

So Remy never got to ask me what he was going to ask me and we went upstairs. And apparently I nearly killed Kurt and Tabitha nearly killed me. Yeah. Let's talk about that for a second. Bitch, please. You want a piece of me? I'm right here. Stop stalking my brother like a creepy-I don't know what because I've never heard of anything creepier before-and leave him alone. When we get home, I'm going in your room and so help me God if there is a shrine for him in your closet I will not hesitate to rip it all down and toss it all in the oven. Okay? You understand? Don't mess with my brother.

…Now.

Moving on…

We went upstairs as Ororo instructed and started moving around boxes and sweeping under them. At first we really were cleaning up; sweeping, straightening things, washing the windows and whatnot. But after a while we started goofing off and rummaging through the boxes. I'm not really sure how that happened, but I think it might have started when John came strolling into the attic as if he weren't out of place here at all.

"Hiya X-geeks." He announced his arrival through a mouthful of fries. After a long winded story complaining about the drive thru that I doubt anyone actually listened to (except for Wanda, maybe), he said, "so what're you doing up here, anyhow?" Without waiting for an answer he threw the lid off a nearby box and pulled a picture out of it. His eyes widened and slowly his lip quirked up in what I think of as his evil smirk. "Well lookie what Johnny found!" He cackled evilly before showing us the picture.

This picture must have been at least forty plus years old, maybe more. It was black and white and peeling at the sides and it was a little obvious who it was of.

It was a young boy of maybe fourteen or fifteen. You could tell he was young just by looking at his face. The boy sadly seemed to have a bad case of acne, an awesome set of braces, and a lovely unibrow. But it was all too evident who this kid was. One standout feature about him gave away his identity. And to our screwed up minds, it was friggin hilarious.

The. Kid. Was. Bald.

Yes, professor, we found a picture of you when you were in high school.

So after that we ate lunch. And this is where the Professor's story comes in. It started with Johnny innocently asking questions about his childhood and whatnot, because really we were just gettin' around to where we could ask you why you were bald when you were a teenager. We didn't know you would go into that story. And in case you were wondering, yes, I did listen to it.

"Professy," John said as we were all sitting down to eat, "tell us a lunchtime story, will ya?"

"Of course I will, John," Professor X smiled and rolled forward. For some reason I suddenly felt really relaxed. "What would you like to hear about?"

"I dunno," John shrugged. "How bout' a story when you were say…fourteen or fifteen? What was life like for ya back then? How about all those crazy..._hairstyles _everyone used ta' have?"

Professor X looked thoughtful. "I can't say I quite remember the hairstyles, but if remember correctly, that's the year my Great Aunt Eleanor made all those pies."

This caught Kurt's attention. Suddenly his expression resembled that of a dog drooling over a bone. "Pies, you say?"

"Yes," Professor X rubbed his chin in thought. "The year was nineteen fifty eight-"

Everyone gasped. The Professor was OLD! But he didn't seem to notice our looks of horror. He just kept going.

"-and I was a young boy of fourteen. For the first time in my memory, the fair had come to town, and my Great Aunt Eleanor had entered a baking contest. Firstly, I suppose I should mention what an outstanding chef Eleanor was. She was forever cooking something and every time I had a different dish made by her, it seemed to be better than the last. And so it only made sense that she should enter this contest. I couldn't imagine anyone being able to out-cook her, she being the phenomenal chef that she was. The dish she chose to bake for this very special occasion was a recipe of her own making. Aunt Eleanor's baked watermelon pie. Now, this pie was extra special because as you might know, most watermelon pies are no-bake and no-good."

This was the point where Professor X laughed at his own joke and also failed to notice that hardly anyone was listening to him. I myself was having a hard time right then because Remy was staring a hole through the side of my head. Also, his knee was touching my knee and it was very distracting. Very.

But I managed to keep my attention (most of it anyway) on the Professor. "But my Aunt Eleanor's watermelon pie was the kind that you baked. She cut up the watermelon rinds and chopped some cranberries…it was one of the most delicious things I've ever had the pleasure of eating. Now, the morning of the contest, my brother Cain and I walked over to see our Great Aunt. You've all actually met my brother before but I don't think you were aware of it…"

Just then it was getting extremely hard to keep listening. Remy's knee was now moving back and forth very slowly against my own, sending waves of tingles up and down my leg. And Kitty was staring at us with that constipated look on her face (i.e. the 'love expert' expression) and I found it very disturbing that she chose to look at me and Remy every time she failed to take a dump.

"-and Eleanor and I left the room to attend to that, leaving Cain alone with the pie." Professor X kept going. "But when we came in ten minutes later," a dark look covered his features, "Cain had eaten the entire thing."

He paused here for dramatic affect, clearly expecting one or all of us to gasp, but no one expect for me and Wanda (though I didn't know it) were even paying attention. Kitty was staring at us, Remy was doing that thing with his knee, and hell, I don't even know what everyone else was doing because of that thing Remy was doing with his knee.

But Professor X didn't notice that no one was listening since he was so caught up in his own story.

"No one was ever the same after that day." He said darkly. "Aunt Eleanor—bless her soul—never baked again, so distraught she was over losing that pie and not winning that contest. She became obsessed with it, always bringing it up and cursing Cain every chance she got. She dreamed of it, screaming in the night as she awoke from all the nightmares."

And THAT was when Professor X had my full attention. "Wait, WHAT?" I interrupted. "She had nightmares because she lost a stupid pie?"

"Yes," he nodded, clearly not seeing what was so weird about this story. "Sadly, that's not all. Eventually she became so traumatized by the event that it was all she ever talked about, and most of that talking she was doing to herself. Years later she ended up being sent to a mental institution, where she lived the rest of her days."

I stared at him in shock. No one else noticed any of this! What. The. Crap. But that wasn't all. Oh, no. I haven't even gotten to the best part yet.

"Aunt Eleanor wasn't the only one affected by the event, oh no," he shook his head sadly. "Cain took her words and her curses to heart and from that point on he chose the dark path of life, refusing to see reason. His anger was hardly controllable and even he was almost sent to the very same institution where Eleanor resided. But Cain found out of the plans in store for him and ran away from home. And I?" Professor X met my eyes then. "I was also badly affected by it all. I managed to keep my sanity, I managed to keep control of my anger, but there was one thing I couldn't keep." I could have sworn I saw a tear threatening to leave his eye. "My hair. The distress I felt over the event was too much for me and I lost it all, at only thirteen years old." He thought for moment before adding on. "But that was also the year that my powers manifested so losing my hair might have been from that, too."

And that was the end to the most weird as CRAP story I've ever heard. I really hope he just made the whole thing up, but I doubt it. The whole thing was really…insane and no one else even paid attention!

"Also," Professor X added. "My horse died that year. Losing my hair might have been from that trauma."

"Uh…Professor?" I asked. "What would you say was the moral of that story?" Come on, I mean, I had to ask. Professor X always has a moral to his stories. If he didn't the world wouldn't be right, now, would it?

"Excellent question, Rogue." He nodded in approval. "The moral of that story is simply this. If someone you love does something unwise or something that hurts you in some way, the best course of action is always, without a doubt, to forgive. As you can observe from my tale of misfortune, getting angry and holding grudges gets you no where in life. It always hurts you more than it hurts the person that you aren't forgiving. Forgiveness is only one of many hard things to accomplish in life, but once you get there, you are set free from past hurt."

I distinctly remember Remy saying, "Hm. That makes sense."

Thanks, Professor.

Now I'll get to what we've all been waiting for.

After lunch we all went our separate ways. Remy and I headed over for a stack of boxes in the far corner because Ororo told us to sweep under them and get rid of any cobwebs. But instead of doing any of that stuff, we opened up the box on the top of the stack and started going through it.

"Whose box is this?" Remy asked as he searched the sides of the cardboard to see if it was labeled. It wasn't.

"I reckon we should keep going through it," I reasoned. "We'll probably figure it out by the stuff that's in there."

This made sense so we kept on. There was some really weird stuff in there. The contents were as follows: A foot of rope, some really old mismatching batteries, a couple of empty boxes of laundry detergent, a very old picture of Richard Simmons, what looked like one of those old records from Kiss, and strangest of all, a pair of chains with cuffs attached at the ends.

"What do you think these were used for?" I held up the chains for him to see. Seriously. Why were these chains here? The only reasons I could think that they were used for were all of a perverted nature. But maybe that's just me. And Remy.

"Somethin' sexual, probably." He shrugged.

"Ew. Who do you think they belong to?"

"Chère, Remy don't wanna know."

I wasn't really sure if I wanted to either. So I pulled the chains out of the box and dropped them to the attic floor. Once those were out of the way was when I saw it. The gun at the bottom of the box.

"Hey, Rems, look what I found." I pulled the gun and showed it—or maybe I pointed it—at him. Not in like a menacing way or anything like that, I was just…showing it to him.

Remy chuckled nervously. "Watch where y' pointin' that thing, chère."

"Oh, you mean like this? Put your hands in the air, bud." _Now_ I can tell you that this was a very stupid thing to do. But at that moment in time I thought I was being funny.

"Rogue…" Remy suddenly spoke in a serious tone and even hesitated a little. I knew something was wrong then because he had that scary Remy look on his face again. I really hate that expression and so I dropped my head and focused my gaze on the gun so I wouldn't have to look at it. "I…I need to tell ya somethin." He said quietly.

"What?" I asked nervously.

I could hear him shifting, turning away from me, but I didn't look at him, I kept looking at the gun. It must have been old because it was dusty and bit scuffed up. But that wasn't what held my attention the most. There was a teeny tiny almost completely indistinguishable white spot of paint on the trigger. For some moronic reason, I _had_ to get it off.

"Rogue, it's Valentine's Day-"

"Yeah? So?" I replied while I tried to scrape the paint off with my fingernail.

"Iloveyou," he said really quickly.

"What?" I squeaked in alarm. Not because I actually heard what he said, but because that paint was downright refusing to come off! It wouldn't even chip! I pushed down a little harder…

"I love you, Anna."

I think I actually got the paint off. But at the cost of Remy's right buttcheek.

…

Remy's face was expressionless. "My butt was shot because of a spot of paint?"

"Like seriously, Rogue," Kitty chided, "how like, OCD are you?"

Ignoring Kitty and everyone else, Rogue turned back to the wounded man on the bed. Even when he was lying on his stomach with his butt propped in the air, she still loved him. She wasn't particularly attracted to him at that moment but she still loved him. And that was what counted, right?

"Remy? You still forgive me, don't you?"

He replied without hesitation. "Chèrie, this swamp rat don't say things he don't mean. Most of the time, anyway."

A wave of relief washed over Rogue. All she wanted to do at that moment was to jump up and down in ecstatic happiness, but since nearly everyone she knew was there looking at her, she settled for the next best thing. Kissing Remy.

It was only after her lips had crushed to his in excitement that she realized what she had done.

"No!" Half of the room screamed while the other half gasped. Scott stumbled forward in an attempt to catch her and pull her back, but was unsuccessful in his attempt. Kurt face-palmed and John yelled, "Moron!"

Remy sighed happily…and then started to convulse on the bed, as everything hooked up to him started beeping like crazy. Rogue jerked backwards, her hands to her mouth as she gasped. "Remy! Remy! Oh Remy, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

The door busted open and a doctor and two nurses rushed in, running over to Remy's bed as everyone hurriedly jumped out of the way.

The doctor's eyes widened. "This man is going into shock! And DEAR GOD his gown is coming undone!"

One of the nurses turned to ask what had happened, but found that the room was suddenly empty, save for herself and her colleagues. She wondered briefly why and how they had all run off so fast but she didn't have much time to think about it when the doctor called for her help. Oh well. She supposed it was something she would have to think about later.

…

Four miles away at the X-mansion, Ororo Monroe was busy scrubbing blood off of the attic floor. In fact, she had cleaned the entire attic while she had been up here. Really. What had those kids been doing the whole time they had been up here? Certainly not cleaning. So she had ended up cleaning it. But she wasn't mad about it. It was probably better that she did it herself anyway.

That way she could hide her box.


End file.
